30 Days of Accepting (8)

Day 21: I spent a day to accompany my office mates in Bgr. Not so bad lah, we visited 3 resto in a row, lol. And I texted you, Ba! I texted you after a long day thinking about should I text you or not to remind you that I'm still here for you, don't worry. Still cried when I read your blog post. Be well! :(

Day 22: I spent my time to sleep, as always. Hey, I watched goosebumps, finally. Remember the movie that you watched with your friends and suggested me to watch it. Yeah, I just watched it.

Day 23: Suddenly my sisters asked me to swim, so I said yes, since have nothing to do today. Tomorrow will be the day I wait for, the last day of 2015. Hope everything will be fun. I will go with my high school friends, spend our time together for seafood, chips, martabak, chocolate, ice cream and our updated own stories definitely. Btw, I will have another plan with my cousins the day after, swim, sleepover, and maybe sad stories of us? Not you and me, but my cousins and I, we just have a different bad moment in this close time. Such a perfect time, right? Supporting each other, to move on.

How are you there? What will you do to pass the year? Will you do together with me (if only we are fine)? Thank you for such a wonderful year since I ever passed with someone I loved. I know, I know, it's not only you that I have, but letting you inside of my unexpected year is just still awesome, my favorite man!

Sad.

30 Days of Accepting (7)

Day 17: Traffic to Bdg was so insane. I need around 16 hours from home to here. I know today was your Christmas night and you spent the day by making yourself busy. Keep doing it! Because I know you will say the same if you were me. I cried again last night in taxi at the way home with traffic when I told a story of you to one of my friend. It's not like I told everyone, l just want to test my self, do I strong enough, I do, at the beginning of story, then just can't hold it for the rest, so I decided to stop. Funny.

Day 18: Even Bdg traffic was also insane. I need 5 hours to go and 6 hours to back again. Too tired. Yey! Your day. Have a great day with your activity there! I'm getting better, I know you too. I have so many stories to share, but have no one to share with, I mean a favourite one to share with. Stupid. Remember usually I share my bored face or silly expression photos directly to you, right? Not the social media. But, have no one. Social media could help.

Day 19: Sometimes when I do really want to remember happy things, I try to remember what makes me lots of laugh, and it comes to the memories when I'm with you. Your stupidity, your anger when hungry, your expression when I play your belly and say emesh, even your voice when we go on riding and I touch your big dada, lol. I miss you more.

Day 20: I will be at home a long day. Making my self busy by watching movie.

10 more days.

30 Days of Accepting (6)

Day 13: My family have planned to go to Bdg this week, sorry for being such a php. Well, I don't even know whether you want me there or not, lol. Will you do a favour for me? Hmm, at least for your goodness, sleep well at your boarding house, don't work to hard, and eat well, kay? Buy a riding rain coat, ok? I know both of us feel this really hard, at least just don't make any of us worry to each other. You're the one who said that, right? I miss you, you know it, and I know you feel the same. I told my cousin about our story, she suggested me to.....set up a meet up. Well, not that usual kind of meet up, but the meet up to finish what un-finished. Because, what happened to us was not that fair, we were not kids anymore. We should, we need, we have to talk directly! And for what will happen after it then it what's supposedly happen. I said, I will wait you on January after your exam. I will give my try to ask you to meet, if you don't want to. Once. If you still can't, just let's see how will it be, maybe in 3 or 5 years later. Let's still talk about it, because what undone have to be done. That's the point of relationship, even ending the commitment have to be committed. You're the one who said, be faster, be better, remember?

Day 14: 2 weeks already. 8pm, I got back home early and since no one home, I cleaned all things there, and I just passed an hour. What the hell can I do then. I got terrible flu that day. So, I decided to watch K-Drama and fell asleep.

Day 15: I attended a brand event yey! Got another heavy flu again and again. I forgot, my regular dinner time.

Day 16: Today is the last work day in 2015. I am waiting a taxi now and keeping my unwell body to be fine, hopefully. I will go to Bdg tomorrow for 3 days. Wish you have a great day on airing in the Christmas then. Have nothing to say. Haven't have a brave to congratulate you directly. I edited a picture of us to post on Christmas day, well will be another un-posted post. I miss you.

30 Days of Accepting (5)

Day 10: Everything's fine on that day. Went back to home and washed clothes again till 10pm, then slept. My team asked my ig account and found our picture there, that was just so easy to answer yes, he is my bf, then hmm well, he used to be mine, but than we just broke up, and bla bla bla. I still comfort to call you mine. Sorry.

Day 11: Today is fine. Still got new things to learn from my team. I have a short conversation with my ex-bf who will really you jealous at, if you know when I was with you. He asked me about my line pict and simply commented me by "Masih aja main-main sama yang beda kiblat." Yes, he knew me well. Tomorrow, I will have a family gathering, yeay another mind distraction. I am getting better and better now. Fight for a freedom of this broken, yes?

Day 12: Hi, I'm in the middle of family gathering now. My cousin asked me to go to Smrg next week. Still considering it, since I don't have any idea how you will act if I were there. So, I were just pending the ticket. I wrote some sentence in your path comment and line chat, well an un-sent sentence. Still don't know how you will act if I chatted you. Don't worry, as usual, this will work, I won't contact you, as you wish. I just don't want to break down your kinda shield by my presence. Just it. If you let me go there and meet you. Let me know then. I have to buy the ticket, it almost sold out. For a short meet up? Just short, don't worry.

30 Days of Accepting (4)

Day 7: Hi, still keeping my self busy for doing this or that. Don't have internet credit or money, as usual almost the end of month lol. I even washed anything that possibly to wash. I asked my sister to play any movie so I can sleep without thinking any other things. While shadowing my team by helping them this and that, hopefully I can also shadowing away our usual communication activities. Remember, I am just being like this since you're the one that don't want me to contact you. I still remember. Fight for ourselves, ya?

"Salut sih, dia berani ngelakuin ini, menurut gue dia baik banget, dia nggak mau sia-siain waktu lo!" 

Don't worry, many people support your decision, except me, till now.

Day 8: I helped my team to input some data today, it took like almost half day and ended up by zumba. Yey! I miss the way I always excited to tell you about my zumba time and all the funny things, don't you? I'm in the bus now, not many people inside, maybe already too late or too many buses today? Don't know. I wish you were there talk to me through phone. Haha. Be well!

Day 9: Morning! I have a bad dream last night, then it became worst since when I woke up that's actually what happened, I lost you. Never mind, it's already day 9, you and me supposed to be getting stronger, ya? What doesn't kill you make you stronger, so I will still stand by you, like I'm gonna loose you. 3 songs in 1 sentence, lol. My team said, first thing to buy before work with them is a headphone, since my team mostly are girls, we will keep talking, laughing, and gossiping when we are boring. So, that can be my fault if I can't concentrate when I work if I don't have any headphone with high volume especially when they are boring. Lol. What a team! My high school friends asked me to have NYE together, hopefully can be fun! Since I ever dreamed it with you, my bad haha. Wish you happy there, I know you are!

21 days more and I will let you go. I will.

30 Days of Accepting (3)

Day 6: Still day 6 anyway, you stupid can't count it right! I always check all of the social media regularly, I mean yours. Don't worry, I got all of your messages on Twitter, blog, even whatsapp's status. I don't do any update except this blog anyway, cause for me, nothing's change. Still left me and you there and everywhere. Still until now. Let's fight for more strength and our own faith, ya? Remember the snowman bell that I gave to you for last Christmas? I saw one on the TV today and found the picture of us with it on the day before you left to your hometown.

"What do u want for this Christmas?"

I know, you want me, ya? Visit me here if u have finished your exam then. Will u? If only you remember what's on your last chat. Tomorrow, I will be officially working in the team. Can't wait to meet you if you're ready yet, as a favorite friend? :)))

Hurt.

30 Days of Accepting (2)

Day 3: Bad thing is I can't find any bad thing in you.

"Mungkin kita pernah dipertemukan untuk saling belajar dan mengajari. Kamu lebih baik dengan perilakumu, aku lebih baik dengan urusan cinta. Iya, alasannya cukup bisa aku terima."

Day 4: I always keep my self busy like anytime anywhere. Busy for cleaning, washing, sleeping, eating, talking, browsing, etc. I kept my self busy for everything, except thinking. Still hard and keep going to be hard since I don't even know how's your life going on there. Oh ya, actually I am thinking about one thing, was this kind of another karma for me?

"Karma itu datang lagi. Untuk membalas siapa kali ini?"

Day 5: Saturday. It's been a week since I slept with tears and Walnut (the doll's given by you) by my side. I miss you a lot today. What's up there? Are you happy now? Do you mind even a little to chat me or try to look my last seen on wa or my another media social? Do you do that, like I do?

"Karena yang baik-baik saja justru jadi sangat menyakitkan."

I decided to write about our trips to some places on this blog later, actually before this mostly I feel like I don't have time to post something here. Well, maybe because I can tell everything to you directly, before. Now, I can't.

30 Days of Accepting.

You said, first month will be hard. Let's see how it is!

Day 1: My day 1 was not that great and I think it's fair since I still did not know what I've faced on the last night phone call. I never hate a call from you till last night you said all of that stupidity and crazy truth that suddenly you brought to our conversation. You said, let you go. You crazy lah, how come a 16 months relationship can be dare finished by an up line, let me go! I cried a lot after you said goodbye on the phone, can't sleep, can't even think what will happen next. I know, you also do. I need to go to office with a puffy eyes and a fake smile on my face this morning. I spent my time in silence while browsing something that perhaps can distract my self. I met my cousin after office and still can't stop crying when telling her the story of us. Then went back to home, what a fast sleep, I wish tomorrow I can be better.

Day 2: Lucky me, it's a national holiday and I am on my period now which probably could be the main reason why I am too emotional currently. I went back to home and spent my time lying on the bed, I have just crying little today, just a small crying, I know everything will be better, you know it too, right? I am looking for you in every social media every time when I suddenly woke up. Can't find a lot, but I know you are fine, hoping so. I want to watch a Taiwan drama now. At least, writing this can make me more relieve even just a little. I know you're looking for me. I know you're not that bad. Let's fight for ourselves, kay?

See you on the Day 3! Btw, I have been already introduced to my office new team. Wish me luck! And good luck for your exam! Do not forget to eat and do exercise ya! :)))

An Un(sent) Email.

Might.

I might be not a type of girl who really care of somebody's life.

I might be not a type of girl who can trust people so easily.

I might be not a type of girl who take any guarantee of anyone's life.

I might be not, anymore.

Because I know, just know.

Somebody's life whom we care on might be those life who do not ever care about ours.

Because I know, just know.

Trusting people so easily might be ended by just letting you go jump into cliff.

And because I know, just know.

Anyone's life was just not as good enough as mine now.

Short update of my life.

Let’s start this post with what people said.

Some people said, life’s just begun after your high school graduation.

Some people said, high school will never end.

Some people said, around 20’s is your age to think and make a decision.

Some people said, don’t wait until 27th to make a decision.

Some people said, work life is awesome if you work on something u passion at.

Some people said, you will be missing campus life when u start to work.

Some people said, try to find the real figure as your Imam.

Some people said, now it’s not time to try and go find another one.

Some people said, those are true, those are wrong.

Then I said, here what I’ve been through.

I finished my campus life 2 months after I returned to 22nd, while my plan was graduated on early 21st or last 20th if possible. I worked hard for that, I texted my Prof early than others, I tried to meet him sooner than it should be, I even took the research data super earlier until I forgot to tell him I would like to use my project data for my research. Here where the problem begun. I was too excited, I was busy with my own life’s plan, I was too focus to reach my dreams, I was too obsessed. That’s what happened. Well, until finally I tried to accept the zero possibility of my life’s plan and change it!

Sometimes, I think my early 20 are full of drama. I have to finish my undergraduate thesis for almost 1.5 years, while some of my high school and college friends have already got job, moved to another city or even visited another part of the world for a trip or even continue their study. Maybe some of you might think my life is not that complex la~ since I got a job directly after I finished my study, no time for letting my mom ask again and again ‘how’s this vacancy, why don’t u go there, or when u can get a job?’ I do really thanked for this. Yes some of you might think I am that ‘lucky’, don’t u?

Here’s the facts:

Before I got this job, FYI, this was not my first time I got interview for a job, this was not my prime time to have a FGD or pshycotest or something related with work requirement. I have been through some trial and error of what they said job seeker, I did this too when you guys were busy to meet your Prof or preparing your seminar slide presentation or even in the morning of your graduation day. I have been tried earlier than you, only that’s the difference. I have been through earlier about this while you guys have been through earlier the steps to graduate.

I almost cry when everytime I saw another crossed on the graduation calendar. I always think again and again and make my self sure, I am not that stupid then I can not graduate on time. That was only because it was not the right time to graduate yet. Yes, it is. My mom said, this all about the time, you dream it, you wish it, then you pray for it. After that? You go for it, you work for it and you let God do the rest.

Another facts:

A long the way I finished my study for 1.5 years, I got chances to visit 5 countries, Malaysia on February 2014, Thailand on July and November 2014, Lao PDR on August 2014, Netherland and Italy on last June 2015. What it did for? Some of it for paper presentations, summer school study, and convergence of Climate Change. Hmm, how do I say, I do really proud for this all and I also do really don’t mind if anyone asked ‘why I have to graduate in 5 years?’ since I have this all experiences and I do really thanked for this.

Additional fact:

Thank God, I have special one that accompanied me through all of this until now. Of course besides family, bestfriends and also best advisors ever. I call him Ba. Just don’t ask me why I call him so. He is my most favourite man (don’t count my dad, he is my superman). He helps me a lot, he always try to be there by my side as long as he can, that’s why I always try to do so. I follow his last track of his campus life to end, vice versa. I help him on laboratory which I don’t really understand at all and sometimes choose to be grumpy kid and ask him to go home early than it should be. He helps me a lot with my statistics data or even only with the PPT animations while sometimes he looks bad when work with my data since he also doesn’t understand about it. We are a good team. We do. I usually cry in front of him when my expectation to meet my Prof was different. He usually come to me when he has a super bad day or worry about something. We are a good team. We do. His family are very kind to me, so do my family to him, while those things can not categorize as ‘that’ kind for ‘go for further step’ things. No, it is not. We know with what happen in the future, well not ‘that’ really know, but at least can predict what will be happened sooner or later.

We are now separate by the distance. He lives in Semarang to continue his study for becoming a master and doctor in 4 years ahead, while I am here go back again to Jakarta for working and starting a new chapter of life. Now, it is time for us to learn another new things seperately, struggle, survive, and face every little things by ourselves. I am sure that he will find another new family called friends soon. But well, not that warm as our family in Bogor, so do I hihi. Bogor has became an unforgettable place for me, since I found many things, I got wonderful things, I learnt small until big things, and that’s all because I through almost my 5 years there.

Moment of my point of view.

Some people said, life’s just begun after your high school graduation. Yes it is, I got many new things to see, try and experience at.

Some people said, high school will never end. If you mean, my high school friends, yes it is never end.

Some people said, around 20’s is your age to think and make a decision. I made a huge decision to keep move on with all of my probs and face it.

Some people said, don’t wait until 27th to make a decision. Hmm, I will try to make sure of my self, since I have another dream to reach, which is to get scholarship and continue my study.

Some people said, work life is awesome if you work on something u passion at. Thank God, so far I work with people have a same goal with me.

Some people said, you will be missing campus life when u start to work. Missing it already.

Some people said, try to find the real figure as your Imam. InsyaAllah, step by step I will try.

Some people said, now it’s not time to try and go find another one. I am on my own feet to try to not to.

Some people said, those are true, those are wrong. I said I try my best for everything.

Regards,

Fadila

60:40

Karena akan lebih nyaman membagi segalanya hanya dengan orang yang kamu tahu. Walau nyamannya hati ini sekarang tidak menjamin sebuah kebahagiaan di masa depan. Itu kenapa proporsi 60:40 sudah lebih dari cukup.