30 Days of Accepting (2)

Day 3: Bad thing is I can't find any bad thing in you.

"Mungkin kita pernah dipertemukan untuk saling belajar dan mengajari. Kamu lebih baik dengan perilakumu, aku lebih baik dengan urusan cinta. Iya, alasannya cukup bisa aku terima."

Day 4: I always keep my self busy like anytime anywhere. Busy for cleaning, washing, sleeping, eating, talking, browsing, etc. I kept my self busy for everything, except thinking. Still hard and keep going to be hard since I don't even know how's your life going on there. Oh ya, actually I am thinking about one thing, was this kind of another karma for me?

"Karma itu datang lagi. Untuk membalas siapa kali ini?"

Day 5: Saturday. It's been a week since I slept with tears and Walnut (the doll's given by you) by my side. I miss you a lot today. What's up there? Are you happy now? Do you mind even a little to chat me or try to look my last seen on wa or my another media social? Do you do that, like I do?

"Karena yang baik-baik saja justru jadi sangat menyakitkan."

I decided to write about our trips to some places on this blog later, actually before this mostly I feel like I don't have time to post something here. Well, maybe because I can tell everything to you directly, before. Now, I can't.

30 Days of Accepting.

You said, first month will be hard. Let's see how it is!

Day 1: My day 1 was not that great and I think it's fair since I still did not know what I've faced on the last night phone call. I never hate a call from you till last night you said all of that stupidity and crazy truth that suddenly you brought to our conversation. You said, let you go. You crazy lah, how come a 16 months relationship can be dare finished by an up line, let me go! I cried a lot after you said goodbye on the phone, can't sleep, can't even think what will happen next. I know, you also do. I need to go to office with a puffy eyes and a fake smile on my face this morning. I spent my time in silence while browsing something that perhaps can distract my self. I met my cousin after office and still can't stop crying when telling her the story of us. Then went back to home, what a fast sleep, I wish tomorrow I can be better.

Day 2: Lucky me, it's a national holiday and I am on my period now which probably could be the main reason why I am too emotional currently. I went back to home and spent my time lying on the bed, I have just crying little today, just a small crying, I know everything will be better, you know it too, right? I am looking for you in every social media every time when I suddenly woke up. Can't find a lot, but I know you are fine, hoping so. I want to watch a Taiwan drama now. At least, writing this can make me more relieve even just a little. I know you're looking for me. I know you're not that bad. Let's fight for ourselves, kay?

See you on the Day 3! Btw, I have been already introduced to my office new team. Wish me luck! And good luck for your exam! Do not forget to eat and do exercise ya! :)))

An Un(sent) Email.

Might.

I might be not a type of girl who really care of somebody's life.

I might be not a type of girl who can trust people so easily.

I might be not a type of girl who take any guarantee of anyone's life.

I might be not, anymore.

Because I know, just know.

Somebody's life whom we care on might be those life who do not ever care about ours.

Because I know, just know.

Trusting people so easily might be ended by just letting you go jump into cliff.

And because I know, just know.

Anyone's life was just not as good enough as mine now.

Short update of my life.

Let’s start this post with what people said.

Some people said, life’s just begun after your high school graduation.

Some people said, high school will never end.

Some people said, around 20’s is your age to think and make a decision.

Some people said, don’t wait until 27th to make a decision.

Some people said, work life is awesome if you work on something u passion at.

Some people said, you will be missing campus life when u start to work.

Some people said, try to find the real figure as your Imam.

Some people said, now it’s not time to try and go find another one.

Some people said, those are true, those are wrong.

Then I said, here what I’ve been through.

I finished my campus life 2 months after I returned to 22nd, while my plan was graduated on early 21st or last 20th if possible. I worked hard for that, I texted my Prof early than others, I tried to meet him sooner than it should be, I even took the research data super earlier until I forgot to tell him I would like to use my project data for my research. Here where the problem begun. I was too excited, I was busy with my own life’s plan, I was too focus to reach my dreams, I was too obsessed. That’s what happened. Well, until finally I tried to accept the zero possibility of my life’s plan and change it!

Sometimes, I think my early 20 are full of drama. I have to finish my undergraduate thesis for almost 1.5 years, while some of my high school and college friends have already got job, moved to another city or even visited another part of the world for a trip or even continue their study. Maybe some of you might think my life is not that complex la~ since I got a job directly after I finished my study, no time for letting my mom ask again and again ‘how’s this vacancy, why don’t u go there, or when u can get a job?’ I do really thanked for this. Yes some of you might think I am that ‘lucky’, don’t u?

Here’s the facts:

Before I got this job, FYI, this was not my first time I got interview for a job, this was not my prime time to have a FGD or pshycotest or something related with work requirement. I have been through some trial and error of what they said job seeker, I did this too when you guys were busy to meet your Prof or preparing your seminar slide presentation or even in the morning of your graduation day. I have been tried earlier than you, only that’s the difference. I have been through earlier about this while you guys have been through earlier the steps to graduate.

I almost cry when everytime I saw another crossed on the graduation calendar. I always think again and again and make my self sure, I am not that stupid then I can not graduate on time. That was only because it was not the right time to graduate yet. Yes, it is. My mom said, this all about the time, you dream it, you wish it, then you pray for it. After that? You go for it, you work for it and you let God do the rest.

Another facts:

A long the way I finished my study for 1.5 years, I got chances to visit 5 countries, Malaysia on February 2014, Thailand on July and November 2014, Lao PDR on August 2014, Netherland and Italy on last June 2015. What it did for? Some of it for paper presentations, summer school study, and convergence of Climate Change. Hmm, how do I say, I do really proud for this all and I also do really don’t mind if anyone asked ‘why I have to graduate in 5 years?’ since I have this all experiences and I do really thanked for this.

Additional fact:

Thank God, I have special one that accompanied me through all of this until now. Of course besides family, bestfriends and also best advisors ever. I call him Ba. Just don’t ask me why I call him so. He is my most favourite man (don’t count my dad, he is my superman). He helps me a lot, he always try to be there by my side as long as he can, that’s why I always try to do so. I follow his last track of his campus life to end, vice versa. I help him on laboratory which I don’t really understand at all and sometimes choose to be grumpy kid and ask him to go home early than it should be. He helps me a lot with my statistics data or even only with the PPT animations while sometimes he looks bad when work with my data since he also doesn’t understand about it. We are a good team. We do. I usually cry in front of him when my expectation to meet my Prof was different. He usually come to me when he has a super bad day or worry about something. We are a good team. We do. His family are very kind to me, so do my family to him, while those things can not categorize as ‘that’ kind for ‘go for further step’ things. No, it is not. We know with what happen in the future, well not ‘that’ really know, but at least can predict what will be happened sooner or later.

We are now separate by the distance. He lives in Semarang to continue his study for becoming a master and doctor in 4 years ahead, while I am here go back again to Jakarta for working and starting a new chapter of life. Now, it is time for us to learn another new things seperately, struggle, survive, and face every little things by ourselves. I am sure that he will find another new family called friends soon. But well, not that warm as our family in Bogor, so do I hihi. Bogor has became an unforgettable place for me, since I found many things, I got wonderful things, I learnt small until big things, and that’s all because I through almost my 5 years there.

Moment of my point of view.

Some people said, life’s just begun after your high school graduation. Yes it is, I got many new things to see, try and experience at.

Some people said, high school will never end. If you mean, my high school friends, yes it is never end.

Some people said, around 20’s is your age to think and make a decision. I made a huge decision to keep move on with all of my probs and face it.

Some people said, don’t wait until 27th to make a decision. Hmm, I will try to make sure of my self, since I have another dream to reach, which is to get scholarship and continue my study.

Some people said, work life is awesome if you work on something u passion at. Thank God, so far I work with people have a same goal with me.

Some people said, you will be missing campus life when u start to work. Missing it already.

Some people said, try to find the real figure as your Imam. InsyaAllah, step by step I will try.

Some people said, now it’s not time to try and go find another one. I am on my own feet to try to not to.

Some people said, those are true, those are wrong. I said I try my best for everything.

Regards,

Fadila

60:40

Karena akan lebih nyaman membagi segalanya hanya dengan orang yang kamu tahu. Walau nyamannya hati ini sekarang tidak menjamin sebuah kebahagiaan di masa depan. Itu kenapa proporsi 60:40 sudah lebih dari cukup.

Dini hari.

Dini hari tadi aku terbangun. Seketika mata terbuka dalam gelap, kamu di situ, pikirku, menghela napas lega.
Di dini hari berikutnya aku kembali tersentak sadar. Kamu masih di situ, senyumku mengembang, santai ku benarkan posisi selimut yang menyingkap hanya separuh tubuhmu.
Ini dini hari ke sekian dan aku masih saja sering terbangun tiba-tiba. Kamu masih selalu di situ. Aku bisa bernapas lega dan tersenyum tenang.
Aku tak tahu apa yang sebenarnya selalu membuat aku terbangun di dini hari. Entah kebiasaan, entah mungkin sebuah ketakutan.
Kamu tahu apa yang menjadi kebiasaan? Aku terbangun di dini hari.
Kamu tahu apa yang menjadi ketakutan? Aku takut di suatu dini hari, aku terbangun, dan tak melihat kamu di situ, lagi.