Bulan Juli

Sudah mendekati akhir bulan Juli.
Satu tahun lalu di bulan ini aku sedang merasa rindu-rindunya karena harus menjalani sebuah hubungan jarak jauh.
Dua tahun lalu di bulan ini aku sedang merasa senang-senang jatuh cinta sekaligus patah hati.
Tiga tahun lalu di bulan ini aku sedang berada di suatu desa bersama dengan keluarga baru.
Empat tahun lalu di bulan ini aku sedang tersesat di daerah entah berantah di Eropa.
Lima tahun lalu di bulan ini.......entah aku tidak terlalu bisa mengingatnya.
Mungkin sedang berada di suatu tempat, entah bahagia atau tidak, tak bisa ku ingat dengan jelas rinciannya.

Di bulan ini yang aku tau aku sedang menjalani kehidupan ku sebagai seorang pekerja pulang larut malam datang datang menyambut di sebuah rapat.
Di hari ini yang aku tau aku sedang berada di meja kerja duduk manis berhadapan dengan layar yang terkadang membuyarkan pandangan akibat terlalu lama bertatap.
Di hari ini aku merasa lebih baik dari sebelumnya.
Di hari ini pun aku berani menggerakkan jari jemari ku mengetik sebuah cerita tentang bulan Juli.

Bisa jadi tak ada yang semenarik itu di bulan Juli.
Bisa jadi hanya kebetulan saja ingin menulis berkeluh kesah.

Banyak cerita yang dilewati maupun terlewati.
Kadang khilaf kadang memang sengaja.

Kita selalu diberikan sebuah pilihan diantara sebuah pilihan.
Jangan tanya sebenarnya aku ingin bercerita tentang apa.
Aku hanya ingin menyapa dan berkata aku baik-baik saja dan cukup bahagia.
Semoga kamu pun begitu.

Karena dalam setiap doa yang pernah kita saling lontarkan.
Ada kebahagiaan yang mungkin belum bisa ditakdirkan.
Jadi, mari lihat dan saksikan.
Sabar sebentar.

Sore itu setelah 5 purnama.

Mungkin ini bukan cerita Cinta dan Rangga yang bertemu kembali setelah ratusan purnama.
Mungkin ini bukan juga cerita Radit dan Jani yang menentang banyak pihak tapi ujungnya pisah juga.
Mungkin juga ini tidak seperti cerita yang dibayangkan kebanyakan orang akan kebahagiaan.
Bukan, jelas bukan.

Bertemu lagi setelah 5 purnama rasanya luar biasa. Sore itu kita duduk berhadapan saling tatap, mungkin sedikit saling mengintimidasi, saling mencoba mendapatkan jawaban di balik setiap tatapan. Ini café favoritku, lanjutmu. Aku tersenyum. Ada tatapan hampa dibalik senyum mu yang sedang seolah bahagia di depan ku. Masih jelas teringat bagaimana tatapan itu sampai detik ini.

Aku menghela napas panjang. Memilih banyak diam. Karena aku tahu, tangis ku akan tumpah ruah. Entah bagaimana caranya, kamu membuka pembicaraan tentang bagaimana dirimu menjalankan 5 purnama ini tanpa saling bertukar kabar atau mengirim pesan “sedang apa?” Indah…rasanya indah…tahu kamu tidak sebahagia itu tanpa aku. Rasanya ingin tersenyum, tapi yang keluar justru air mata lainnya. Ada yang aku tahu hari itu, bahwa kamu juga tidak baik-baik saja setelah kamu memutuskan untuk berpisah. Kamu berjuang dengan keras, sama……seperti yang aku lakukan.

Bisa kita kembali seperti dulu? Tanyamu setelah sebuah jeda panjang yang hanya berisi tangisan. Detak jantungku mungkin berhenti sepersekian detik saat itu. Tangis ku semakin pecah. Sudah tidak bisa dibendung lagi. Kemudian kamu lanjut bercerita banyak hal tentang dirimu dan rasa kehilanganmu. Apa ada yang bisa dijadikan jaminan kelak? Tanyaku.

Kamu berjanji tentang banyak hal. Ingat betul rasanya, seketika aku kehilangan rasa percaya terhadap mu. Seketika itu juga. Tidak, aku tidak bilang kau berkata bohong atau membual hal yang tidak mungkin terjadi. Tidak. Hanya saja memang tidak ada yang bisa menjamin apa-apa. Bahagia? Mungkin. Selamanya? Bisa jadi. Sama seperti yang lalu, sebuah ketidak pastian. Berujung ditinggalkan. Tidak, aku tidak mau lagi.

Kita berdiskusi panjang sore itu. Mengungkapkan keluh kesah. Menumpahkan semua perasaan. Sore itu kita saling belajar, bagaimana rasanya saling melepaskan dan menegaskan. Aku belajar banyak sore itu. Belajar tentang rasa yang benar lebih baik untuk tidak saling memiliki. Rasa yang baiknya dibiarkan begitu saja. Rasa yang tidak mampu diperjuangkan sebagaimana pun juga. Rasa yang tidak mampu mengalahkan ego kedua belah pihak. Rasa yang kita sama-sama tahu akan salah kalau terus dilanjutkan. Rasa yang sudah kita jaga puluhan purnama ini, akhirnya kandas juga.

Air mata banyak menyita waktu ku untuk bercerita sore itu. Ada banyak sekali yang ingin aku ceritakan, tapi belum tersampaikan. Kamu tahu, sekarang aku selalu mengurutkan uang di dompet ku dengan rapi. Ingat betul rasanya di teriaki, yang rapi dong, aku nggak suka di dompet aku nggak rapi susunan uangnya. Kemudian tetap ku masukan asal-asalan kembalian dari toko itu.

Kamu tahu, aku bercerita cukup banyak hal dengan Bunda tentang kamu, tentang kita. Air mata ku masih mengalir deras saat itu. Pesannya cuma satu, kalau memang sudah diakhiri, jangan marah kalau dia bersama orang lain. Aku tertawa, garing, dilanjut dengan tetesan air mata. Sedih, sedih rasanya.

Hei, aku tidak pernah secengeng ini sebelumnya. Bahkan biasanya cenderung tidak peduli. Kamu anak yang baik, kata Bunda. Cuma kita beda dan tidak ada yang akan berjuang untuk menghapus perbedaan. Jadi, yasudah ya. Mari melanjutkan kehidupan kita masing-masing.

Mungkin aku menemukan orang lain sekarang.
Mungkin juga kamu akan menemukan orang lain yang tepat di lain waktu.
Aku pergi dulu, sampai bertemu di lain waktu dengan cerita yang baru.

Jawaban.

Lucu rasanya berkata,
"Aku harus pertama bertemu dengannya,
lalu aku akan memberikan jawabannya."

Hanya satu bulan, tambahku.

Hal ini hanya saja cukup mengerikan bagiku.

Apa yang akan terjadi setelah aku bertemu dengannya?
Tambah yakin kah atau semakin meragu kah aku nantinya.
Aku bahkan tak tahu apa yang sedang aku nantikan.
Bertemu dengannya kah atau memberi jawaban kepadamu.

Semua terasa janggal.
Rasanya mengerikan.

Kadang rasanya berlebihan.
Tapi apa yang dirasa siapa yang tahu.

Hidup diantara pilihan yang tak pasti.
Mengerikan.

Tapi, keputusan yang dibuat pun harus dibuat.
Pergi kah aku ke arahmu?
Atau hanya berhenti dalam diam?

Tepat kah?

Apa kabar kamu di sana?
Iya, kamu yang pernah selalu tidak lupa memberi kabar.
Iya, kamu yang panik bertanya ketika belum ada pesan yang terbalas.
Iya, kamu yang rela berhenti melangkah ketika aku memohon jangan.
Iya, kamu yang pernah begitu memprioritaskan aku di atas segalanya.

Hari ini aku baik-baik saja.
Semakin membaik. Bukan kah memang seharusnya begitu? Kata orang move on itu sulit. Ya tentu saja sulit, belum ada pengganti mu. Tentu saja berat, belum ada yang lebih baik dari kamu.

Sudah lama rasanya tidak mengalami patah hati yang berlarut-larut. Mungkin kamu begitu dalam meninggalkan bekas luka di cerita kita. Oh, mungkin bukan karena kamu, keadaan yang membuat begitu. Aku tahu kamu tidak sungguh-sungguh berkata tidak ingin bersamaku lagi. Aku tahu kamu bisa jadi yang tersedih ketika menutup pembicaraan kita di telepon waktu itu.

Sudah lebih dari 3 bulan, tapi masih saja aku meneteskan air mata ketika teringat kamu. Mungkin nanti ketika kamu membaca ini aku sudah lebih baik, jauh lebih baik. Atau mungkin ketika kamu membaca ini, hati mu sudah untuk gadis dambaan keluargamu. Siapa yang tahu.

Aku ingin berjalan maju terus dan tak pernah melihat ke belakang, ke bagian kita yang terlalu bahagia. Aku ingin begitu. Ada seseorang yang mungkin lebih baik dari kamu, menunggu aku di depan sana, ada. Tapi bagaimana aku benar-benar tahu dia orang yang tepat? Kalau waktu itu bersama kamu pun aku pernah merasa setepat itu.

Be Brave, Be Free!

I am within myself imagining how if I were sitting here down with you for waiting the sunrise after hiked 30 minutes up in the very dark morning. It could be awesome!

But then, I am also realizing, if so, I would never feel how it is for being hurt again after too many happy things that I ever had, if so, I could forget how it is for being grateful to make somebody happy because of me, if so, I might forget how it is for becoming the strong me.

Might be so.

So at the day, I saw the sun rised in the middle of the rain, I promised to myself for not forgetting the things I have to pass for becoming a very better me.

Well, I know, this might be looked like a declaration. But, no it is not. This is just another of my thoughts, how I see the world and how I face it.

Be brave, people! Be free.

My notes, February 7th 2016.

Jepara.

I never thought Jepara prefecture could be this awesome. The view, beach, cafe, hotel, and people there all are nice. Let me guess, maybe this depends on the people you go with ya lol. This was my first time to visit Jepara. Just a random plan for 'where will we go next'? Then Jepara is one of choices. It took 2 hours from Semarang by travel car for 50K IDR one way. Suggestion: do not visit there when it's weekend or holiday (if possible), because the beach will be full with people. Well, there are no beach games or even coconut, which bad for me because I can do nothing. But, when we walked along the beach side, we found many nice resto. We got chance to visit 2 resto there, Ocean View Resto with nice view direct to swimming pool and the beach and also Jepara Beach Resto with Germany touch for food and design. For price itself, quite almost same with Jakarta, I guess because the owner itself is not indonesian, but don't worry it's European portion. Having dinner there has been getting me back to my one of Europe's resto I ever visited in 2012. One night was enough for me. See you again, Jepara! If I got chance to go, I will repeat all of this trips for sure.

Ocean View Resto

Jepara Beach Resto

Kartini Beach View

Semarang - Solo - Jogja.

Hi, like what I promise before, I would like to share some of our short trips in 2015. I know, this kinda late, but never mind. Enjoy!

So, the first short trip that I want to share is my 5 days in 3 different cities in Java. My first stop was Semarang, since our main purpose was to find new boarding house for Ba who will continue his master and doctoral study there that time. Let me introduce you my Ba, well ya, he is the one that you might know by reading my blog recently. He got country scholarship for 4 years to finish his master and doctoral program straight forward. He is the one who has so many ego for fighting his future in education side. He is my one and only stupid lovely buddy who sometimes do stupidity without thinking too much. He was my love. Yes, was. Well, sorry, this time post does not make for him anyway. So continue, we decided to take a night train from Senen station to Semarang Poncol. We arrived around 6 a.m. and we visited our friend's boarding house and also called my cousin who live in Semarang to come. Lucky we are for having friends and family there. After a day, we finally found the click one of the boarding house. First place that I do really visit that time was Sam Poo Kong temple. It is the famous temple in Semarang. I ever visited that place in 2013 with my other fellas.

Sam Poo Kong (Chinese: 三保洞; pinyin: Sānbǎo Dòng), also known as Gedung Batu Temple, is the oldest Chinese temple inSemarang, Central Java, Indonesia. Originally established by the Chinese Muslim explorer Zheng He (also known as Sanbao), it is now shared by Indonesians of multiple religious denominations, including Muslims and Buddhists, and ethnicities, including Chineseand Javanese.^[1][2]

-Wikipedia 

Can't you let yourself holding my hand longer?

Our afternoon great picture.

This picture was taken in our 1st anniversary.

The next destination was Leker Paimo. Best Leker for me hihi. I insisted my cousin, friend, and him (of course) to visit this place. The place was not that great, it's only a cart beside a small canal behind a high school. But, the variant of Leker itself that made me always want to come back to Semarang. Bad thing is, I don't have any picture of this Leker :( but you can check it in Google or Tripadvisor, they have picture and location for it. To end this day, we decided to meet our friends for dinner. New place, old friends, new great time could be always searched by a traveler, right?

@ House of Moo, Tembalang.

Nice place to catch up and full this hungry mummies.

The next day, we took morning train to Solo, called Kalijaga train from Semarang to Solo for only 10K IDR. My destination is only one in Solo 'Taman Sriwedari', while his destination was anywhere where I want. After 1 hour, we arrived in Solo, I remember that time, I told him that the place was not that far, so we can just walk from station to the park. We used Waze to show us the way (thanks Waze). After more than 2 km, I guess, I felt like super tired, hungry, and have no idea where we are, or in other word, we lost. I can remember his face, I knew he was the only one who more tired while I was the one who asked and yelled him to do this and that and listen to me. At the end, what happened is he was the one who found the right way to Taman Sriwedari. It's 12 p.m. and the park was still closed. I was so sad that time. Let's try next time! I said (now I know there will be no more next time).

His happy face when finally we got our lunch.

Sorry for making you that tired to walk that time.

Yeay, Spicy fried rice, Ceker soup, spicy Belut, and something Asem beverage.

1..2..3..click. Ih Ba, kok tetep jelek sih?

Picture after 12345x poses.

I don't know why, I do really want to visit Taman Sriwedari. This could be because Maliq & D'Essentials song 'Setapak Sriwedari' lol. This was also my second time to visit Solo. The first time was in 2011, my first time to go far from home with friends (well, for organization matters). Taman Sriwedari checked. Next stop was around alun-alun and came late for visiting the Keraton, since it closed at 2 p.m. I was so disappointed that time and showed my bad face to him. I remember how he laugh out loud while teasing and asked me to smile. Next time we will come back here ya! He said. Well. No. More. Next. Time.

At the same day, we took our afternoon train to Jogja. This was my I don't know, 6 or 7 times to Jogja and well ya never getting bored. Our main purpose is to visit one of our friends, Pika. So happy, after quite long time did not see her, finally I can meet her and listen all the stories and what she has been through this time in Yogyakarta. We visited De Mata Trick Eye 3D Museum to take a lot of pictures of course.

Let's fly by this air balloon!

How sweet we are! Sorry Pika hihi.

We also visited House of Raminten, a must visit resto in Jogja. The next day we decided to rent a motorcycle and visited The Floating Restaurant in Klaten. It took almost two hour to reach the place, while our motorcycle wheel was leaked. I don't know because there were too many rocks at the street, our motorcycle which too small, or our size that too much if calculated, LOL. 

One of floating resto in Klaten.

Thank you Semarang, Solo, Yogyakarta for another great memories that I could have in my life. See you again someday!

Can't you see how happy I am that time? :)))

@ in front of Ambarukmo Plaza with Wedang Ronde.

August, 2015.

30 Days of Accepting (10)

Day 28: I'm fine.

Day 29: I'm fine. Really. Trust me. I just cried a little when I remember that I forgot yesterday was our 17th fourth. I also had a bad dream.

Day 30: I'm fine. Can't you just believe me? I just cried for 10 minutes in toilet because you changed your line pict. Stupid. I asked my office mate to go somewhere. End up with visited place around shop where I bought your last birthday present. Insane.

A very last day. Congratulations, you are free to go now. Sorry, for holding you too long.

Are you happy now? :)

30 Days of Accepting (9)

Day 24: Meet with someone we love is kinda awesome moment and something that we always wait for, like I am still waiting you to be ready to meet me. I don't know why, it feels like you left me behind, just like it. Everything was just too kind to be blamed. Nothing can be blamed. You and your decision? That's your choice or yours and your family who asked you to. Me and my acceptance? That's my way to adapt in this kinda 'challenging' situation. It feels like I left behind here, but at the moment I want to move on, I just always remember you, will I hurt you by this? Or should I go so you can be relieved? I feel like stuck at the same place, since I believe there's something un-finished thing that better we finish it directly. I don't know what you feel there. At least, I just want this finish as soon as possible, so I can walk away far far far as I want and as I should be, so do you.

Day 25: Blood sisters with same background stories could help. A little. Cause we bumped into same love problem at the same time. A star, avolution, chips, chocolate might help, but not helping. I cried like kid last night. I listened to my cousin love story and about her ex who keep chasing her like crazy. I remember my self cry all night long and chat you only to ask you to stay then you say bye-bye like hell. I hate you so much last night. I just imagine how you feel when I did that to you as same as how my cousin feel and act right now. As I am, the one who sad, the one and only. I know, it might be different, I know you're sad, the saddest person maybe. The more I think, the more I realize, I can't and I won't give what you wish for. So, I stop crying. Because at the end, if you keep wishing it and letting me to think like this, then I am sure I will walk away, far far far away from you. Happy New Year, wish all the good things for you!

Day 26: I still spent my day with my cousins. What a very right distraction. I am looking for you on socmed, but still not much that I can find. I dare my self to change our picture on Line. Well, I know no one care anyway, maybe you too don't care. My cousin asked me, why I still use ring from you and teasing me "He won't use it lho, why you still use it!" I don't even know, what are you doing there and how can I know you still keep me in your mind. Maybe even no. I fight with mom last night. I miss you. I need someone to tell, but no one as like you.

Day 27: Last day of holiday. I will spend today by.......I don't know. I need tomorrow comes faster, so everything will be fine.

3 days more and I will be fine.

30 Days of Accepting (8)

Day 21: I spent a day to accompany my office mates in Bgr. Not so bad lah, we visited 3 resto in a row, lol. And I texted you, Ba! I texted you after a long day thinking about should I text you or not to remind you that I'm still here for you, don't worry. Still cried when I read your blog post. Be well! :(

Day 22: I spent my time to sleep, as always. Hey, I watched goosebumps, finally. Remember the movie that you watched with your friends and suggested me to watch it. Yeah, I just watched it.

Day 23: Suddenly my sisters asked me to swim, so I said yes, since have nothing to do today. Tomorrow will be the day I wait for, the last day of 2015. Hope everything will be fun. I will go with my high school friends, spend our time together for seafood, chips, martabak, chocolate, ice cream and our updated own stories definitely. Btw, I will have another plan with my cousins the day after, swim, sleepover, and maybe sad stories of us? Not you and me, but my cousins and I, we just have a different bad moment in this close time. Such a perfect time, right? Supporting each other, to move on.

How are you there? What will you do to pass the year? Will you do together with me (if only we are fine)? Thank you for such a wonderful year since I ever passed with someone I loved. I know, I know, it's not only you that I have, but letting you inside of my unexpected year is just still awesome, my favorite man!

Sad.

30 Days of Accepting (7)

Day 17: Traffic to Bdg was so insane. I need around 16 hours from home to here. I know today was your Christmas night and you spent the day by making yourself busy. Keep doing it! Because I know you will say the same if you were me. I cried again last night in taxi at the way home with traffic when I told a story of you to one of my friend. It's not like I told everyone, l just want to test my self, do I strong enough, I do, at the beginning of story, then just can't hold it for the rest, so I decided to stop. Funny.

Day 18: Even Bdg traffic was also insane. I need 5 hours to go and 6 hours to back again. Too tired. Yey! Your day. Have a great day with your activity there! I'm getting better, I know you too. I have so many stories to share, but have no one to share with, I mean a favourite one to share with. Stupid. Remember usually I share my bored face or silly expression photos directly to you, right? Not the social media. But, have no one. Social media could help.

Day 19: Sometimes when I do really want to remember happy things, I try to remember what makes me lots of laugh, and it comes to the memories when I'm with you. Your stupidity, your anger when hungry, your expression when I play your belly and say emesh, even your voice when we go on riding and I touch your big dada, lol. I miss you more.

Day 20: I will be at home a long day. Making my self busy by watching movie.

10 more days.

30 Days of Accepting (6)

Day 13: My family have planned to go to Bdg this week, sorry for being such a php. Well, I don't even know whether you want me there or not, lol. Will you do a favour for me? Hmm, at least for your goodness, sleep well at your boarding house, don't work to hard, and eat well, kay? Buy a riding rain coat, ok? I know both of us feel this really hard, at least just don't make any of us worry to each other. You're the one who said that, right? I miss you, you know it, and I know you feel the same. I told my cousin about our story, she suggested me to.....set up a meet up. Well, not that usual kind of meet up, but the meet up to finish what un-finished. Because, what happened to us was not that fair, we were not kids anymore. We should, we need, we have to talk directly! And for what will happen after it then it what's supposedly happen. I said, I will wait you on January after your exam. I will give my try to ask you to meet, if you don't want to. Once. If you still can't, just let's see how will it be, maybe in 3 or 5 years later. Let's still talk about it, because what undone have to be done. That's the point of relationship, even ending the commitment have to be committed. You're the one who said, be faster, be better, remember?

Day 14: 2 weeks already. 8pm, I got back home early and since no one home, I cleaned all things there, and I just passed an hour. What the hell can I do then. I got terrible flu that day. So, I decided to watch K-Drama and fell asleep.

Day 15: I attended a brand event yey! Got another heavy flu again and again. I forgot, my regular dinner time.

Day 16: Today is the last work day in 2015. I am waiting a taxi now and keeping my unwell body to be fine, hopefully. I will go to Bdg tomorrow for 3 days. Wish you have a great day on airing in the Christmas then. Have nothing to say. Haven't have a brave to congratulate you directly. I edited a picture of us to post on Christmas day, well will be another un-posted post. I miss you.

30 Days of Accepting (5)

Day 10: Everything's fine on that day. Went back to home and washed clothes again till 10pm, then slept. My team asked my ig account and found our picture there, that was just so easy to answer yes, he is my bf, then hmm well, he used to be mine, but than we just broke up, and bla bla bla. I still comfort to call you mine. Sorry.

Day 11: Today is fine. Still got new things to learn from my team. I have a short conversation with my ex-bf who will really you jealous at, if you know when I was with you. He asked me about my line pict and simply commented me by "Masih aja main-main sama yang beda kiblat." Yes, he knew me well. Tomorrow, I will have a family gathering, yeay another mind distraction. I am getting better and better now. Fight for a freedom of this broken, yes?

Day 12: Hi, I'm in the middle of family gathering now. My cousin asked me to go to Smrg next week. Still considering it, since I don't have any idea how you will act if I were there. So, I were just pending the ticket. I wrote some sentence in your path comment and line chat, well an un-sent sentence. Still don't know how you will act if I chatted you. Don't worry, as usual, this will work, I won't contact you, as you wish. I just don't want to break down your kinda shield by my presence. Just it. If you let me go there and meet you. Let me know then. I have to buy the ticket, it almost sold out. For a short meet up? Just short, don't worry.

30 Days of Accepting (4)

Day 7: Hi, still keeping my self busy for doing this or that. Don't have internet credit or money, as usual almost the end of month lol. I even washed anything that possibly to wash. I asked my sister to play any movie so I can sleep without thinking any other things. While shadowing my team by helping them this and that, hopefully I can also shadowing away our usual communication activities. Remember, I am just being like this since you're the one that don't want me to contact you. I still remember. Fight for ourselves, ya?

"Salut sih, dia berani ngelakuin ini, menurut gue dia baik banget, dia nggak mau sia-siain waktu lo!" 

Don't worry, many people support your decision, except me, till now.

Day 8: I helped my team to input some data today, it took like almost half day and ended up by zumba. Yey! I miss the way I always excited to tell you about my zumba time and all the funny things, don't you? I'm in the bus now, not many people inside, maybe already too late or too many buses today? Don't know. I wish you were there talk to me through phone. Haha. Be well!

Day 9: Morning! I have a bad dream last night, then it became worst since when I woke up that's actually what happened, I lost you. Never mind, it's already day 9, you and me supposed to be getting stronger, ya? What doesn't kill you make you stronger, so I will still stand by you, like I'm gonna loose you. 3 songs in 1 sentence, lol. My team said, first thing to buy before work with them is a headphone, since my team mostly are girls, we will keep talking, laughing, and gossiping when we are boring. So, that can be my fault if I can't concentrate when I work if I don't have any headphone with high volume especially when they are boring. Lol. What a team! My high school friends asked me to have NYE together, hopefully can be fun! Since I ever dreamed it with you, my bad haha. Wish you happy there, I know you are!

21 days more and I will let you go. I will.

30 Days of Accepting (3)

Day 6: Still day 6 anyway, you stupid can't count it right! I always check all of the social media regularly, I mean yours. Don't worry, I got all of your messages on Twitter, blog, even whatsapp's status. I don't do any update except this blog anyway, cause for me, nothing's change. Still left me and you there and everywhere. Still until now. Let's fight for more strength and our own faith, ya? Remember the snowman bell that I gave to you for last Christmas? I saw one on the TV today and found the picture of us with it on the day before you left to your hometown.

"What do u want for this Christmas?"

I know, you want me, ya? Visit me here if u have finished your exam then. Will u? If only you remember what's on your last chat. Tomorrow, I will be officially working in the team. Can't wait to meet you if you're ready yet, as a favorite friend? :)))

Hurt.

30 Days of Accepting (2)

Day 3: Bad thing is I can't find any bad thing in you.

"Mungkin kita pernah dipertemukan untuk saling belajar dan mengajari. Kamu lebih baik dengan perilakumu, aku lebih baik dengan urusan cinta. Iya, alasannya cukup bisa aku terima."

Day 4: I always keep my self busy like anytime anywhere. Busy for cleaning, washing, sleeping, eating, talking, browsing, etc. I kept my self busy for everything, except thinking. Still hard and keep going to be hard since I don't even know how's your life going on there. Oh ya, actually I am thinking about one thing, was this kind of another karma for me?

"Karma itu datang lagi. Untuk membalas siapa kali ini?"

Day 5: Saturday. It's been a week since I slept with tears and Walnut (the doll's given by you) by my side. I miss you a lot today. What's up there? Are you happy now? Do you mind even a little to chat me or try to look my last seen on wa or my another media social? Do you do that, like I do?

"Karena yang baik-baik saja justru jadi sangat menyakitkan."

I decided to write about our trips to some places on this blog later, actually before this mostly I feel like I don't have time to post something here. Well, maybe because I can tell everything to you directly, before. Now, I can't.

30 Days of Accepting.

You said, first month will be hard. Let's see how it is!

Day 1: My day 1 was not that great and I think it's fair since I still did not know what I've faced on the last night phone call. I never hate a call from you till last night you said all of that stupidity and crazy truth that suddenly you brought to our conversation. You said, let you go. You crazy lah, how come a 16 months relationship can be dare finished by an up line, let me go! I cried a lot after you said goodbye on the phone, can't sleep, can't even think what will happen next. I know, you also do. I need to go to office with a puffy eyes and a fake smile on my face this morning. I spent my time in silence while browsing something that perhaps can distract my self. I met my cousin after office and still can't stop crying when telling her the story of us. Then went back to home, what a fast sleep, I wish tomorrow I can be better.

Day 2: Lucky me, it's a national holiday and I am on my period now which probably could be the main reason why I am too emotional currently. I went back to home and spent my time lying on the bed, I have just crying little today, just a small crying, I know everything will be better, you know it too, right? I am looking for you in every social media every time when I suddenly woke up. Can't find a lot, but I know you are fine, hoping so. I want to watch a Taiwan drama now. At least, writing this can make me more relieve even just a little. I know you're looking for me. I know you're not that bad. Let's fight for ourselves, kay?

See you on the Day 3! Btw, I have been already introduced to my office new team. Wish me luck! And good luck for your exam! Do not forget to eat and do exercise ya! :)))

An Un(sent) Email.

Short update of my life.

Let’s start this post with what people said.

Some people said, life’s just begun after your high school graduation.

Some people said, high school will never end.

Some people said, around 20’s is your age to think and make a decision.

Some people said, don’t wait until 27th to make a decision.

Some people said, work life is awesome if you work on something u passion at.

Some people said, you will be missing campus life when u start to work.

Some people said, try to find the real figure as your Imam.

Some people said, now it’s not time to try and go find another one.

Some people said, those are true, those are wrong.

Then I said, here what I’ve been through.

I finished my campus life 2 months after I returned to 22nd, while my plan was graduated on early 21st or last 20th if possible. I worked hard for that, I texted my Prof early than others, I tried to meet him sooner than it should be, I even took the research data super earlier until I forgot to tell him I would like to use my project data for my research. Here where the problem begun. I was too excited, I was busy with my own life’s plan, I was too focus to reach my dreams, I was too obsessed. That’s what happened. Well, until finally I tried to accept the zero possibility of my life’s plan and change it!

Sometimes, I think my early 20 are full of drama. I have to finish my undergraduate thesis for almost 1.5 years, while some of my high school and college friends have already got job, moved to another city or even visited another part of the world for a trip or even continue their study. Maybe some of you might think my life is not that complex la~ since I got a job directly after I finished my study, no time for letting my mom ask again and again ‘how’s this vacancy, why don’t u go there, or when u can get a job?’ I do really thanked for this. Yes some of you might think I am that ‘lucky’, don’t u?

Here’s the facts:

Before I got this job, FYI, this was not my first time I got interview for a job, this was not my prime time to have a FGD or pshycotest or something related with work requirement. I have been through some trial and error of what they said job seeker, I did this too when you guys were busy to meet your Prof or preparing your seminar slide presentation or even in the morning of your graduation day. I have been tried earlier than you, only that’s the difference. I have been through earlier about this while you guys have been through earlier the steps to graduate.

I almost cry when everytime I saw another crossed on the graduation calendar. I always think again and again and make my self sure, I am not that stupid then I can not graduate on time. That was only because it was not the right time to graduate yet. Yes, it is. My mom said, this all about the time, you dream it, you wish it, then you pray for it. After that? You go for it, you work for it and you let God do the rest.

Another facts:

A long the way I finished my study for 1.5 years, I got chances to visit 5 countries, Malaysia on February 2014, Thailand on July and November 2014, Lao PDR on August 2014, Netherland and Italy on last June 2015. What it did for? Some of it for paper presentations, summer school study, and convergence of Climate Change. Hmm, how do I say, I do really proud for this all and I also do really don’t mind if anyone asked ‘why I have to graduate in 5 years?’ since I have this all experiences and I do really thanked for this.

Additional fact:

Thank God, I have special one that accompanied me through all of this until now. Of course besides family, bestfriends and also best advisors ever. I call him Ba. Just don’t ask me why I call him so. He is my most favourite man (don’t count my dad, he is my superman). He helps me a lot, he always try to be there by my side as long as he can, that’s why I always try to do so. I follow his last track of his campus life to end, vice versa. I help him on laboratory which I don’t really understand at all and sometimes choose to be grumpy kid and ask him to go home early than it should be. He helps me a lot with my statistics data or even only with the PPT animations while sometimes he looks bad when work with my data since he also doesn’t understand about it. We are a good team. We do. I usually cry in front of him when my expectation to meet my Prof was different. He usually come to me when he has a super bad day or worry about something. We are a good team. We do. His family are very kind to me, so do my family to him, while those things can not categorize as ‘that’ kind for ‘go for further step’ things. No, it is not. We know with what happen in the future, well not ‘that’ really know, but at least can predict what will be happened sooner or later.

We are now separate by the distance. He lives in Semarang to continue his study for becoming a master and doctor in 4 years ahead, while I am here go back again to Jakarta for working and starting a new chapter of life. Now, it is time for us to learn another new things seperately, struggle, survive, and face every little things by ourselves. I am sure that he will find another new family called friends soon. But well, not that warm as our family in Bogor, so do I hihi. Bogor has became an unforgettable place for me, since I found many things, I got wonderful things, I learnt small until big things, and that’s all because I through almost my 5 years there.

Moment of my point of view.

Some people said, life’s just begun after your high school graduation. Yes it is, I got many new things to see, try and experience at.

Some people said, high school will never end. If you mean, my high school friends, yes it is never end.

Some people said, around 20’s is your age to think and make a decision. I made a huge decision to keep move on with all of my probs and face it.

Some people said, don’t wait until 27th to make a decision. Hmm, I will try to make sure of my self, since I have another dream to reach, which is to get scholarship and continue my study.

Some people said, work life is awesome if you work on something u passion at. Thank God, so far I work with people have a same goal with me.

Some people said, you will be missing campus life when u start to work. Missing it already.

Some people said, try to find the real figure as your Imam. InsyaAllah, step by step I will try.

Some people said, now it’s not time to try and go find another one. I am on my own feet to try to not to.

Some people said, those are true, those are wrong. I said I try my best for everything.

Regards,

Fadila

60:40

Karena akan lebih nyaman membagi segalanya hanya dengan orang yang kamu tahu. Walau nyamannya hati ini sekarang tidak menjamin sebuah kebahagiaan di masa depan. Itu kenapa proporsi 60:40 sudah lebih dari cukup.